Dance like no one's watching

I went to a brewery with a few of my friends a few months ago. Among the group was a new girl I had not met yet. We shall call her Becky. Now, Becky seemed awesome and friendly. I already like you when I meet you, until you give me a reason not to. And then, once that happens, good luck coming to the sunny side.

Anyways, after the brewery, we all went to a restaurant. When the host saw how big our party was (6 people), not that big, he recommended we sit outside. We would have our own little patio...sounds awesome right?! SUPER AWESOME.

We get up there, and it's a little quiet, so I ask him if it's possible for them to play music out there. He said yes and that he was going to get right on it and he does! What an amazing host; their service was just perfect.

Okay, we had been drinking previously, and I was feeling the music. I didn't care about the food anymore, I needed to shake my tail feather like there was no tomorrow. No one else wanted to dance, so I danced by myself while everyone else ate their food. I am sure I looked absolutely silly. Becky apparently did not approve of this and one of my other friends, mentioned it to me later that night after we had all parted ways.

I was thinking about this today. I heard the song, I hope you dance by Lee Ann Womack. I am telling you, that song always pulls at my heartstrings. I don't know what it is about that song, but it makes my eyes rain. So, I am sure solo drunk dancing at a restaurant is not exactly what she had in mind, but I sure as hell am about to take it there!

The thing is...who is anyone to judge what you do? Whether it's dancing at a restaurant, when you're the ONLY people sitting there or even if there are other people sitting there or if you order your dessert before dinner, or whatever you want to do!!

I came to a point in life where each moment in life seemed as miserable as the next. Each step forward seemed like a step in place with chains pulling me backward. I had to fight to stay in place and it wouldn't seem worth it, most of the time. I felt like there was no light at the end of the tunnel and I couldn't even reach the sides of the tunnel. Everything was dark and each time I took a stupid pill, it was just a flame from a lighter, lighting a few shuffles in an unknown direction, every day. And, every day, I would take another pill, flick another BIC, shuffling, fighting, trying to make it to night time, so I could start anew the next, hopefully accomplishing something like smiling.

I came to a point where I didn't know if I was going to make it to the next day, the next week, or the next month. But, by some miracle or perseverance (I think that's what they would call it, or maybe strength, courage, whatever), I am here, alive and semi-well. I refuse to wonder about what if and I refuse to let what other people think stop me from doing what I want to do. I refuse to settle for anything less than what makes me happy.

I know what it feels like to want to sleep away every moment of every day, so when I get the opportunity to dance, I'm gonna freaking dance, dammit! And I'm gonna dance like no one's watching! So, BOO YAH.

Hello...it's me.

I was wondering if maybe after this year you'd like to meet.

I have not written on here in a while; things have changed A LOT. I would like to share my ACTUAL journey and progress with you all.

So, I am going to continue this blog; I really needed to take a break and actually start this journey before I acted like my life had changed forever, in a few hours, because of a book.

Not to say that the book didn't make a difference. The book really affected my life, I promise it did. For any woman that feels like she is too nice for her own good, feels taken advantage of by friends, family, coworkers, anyone...I highly recommend it. It helped me allow my life experiences to change me and that was something I sincerely needed. I had become an expert at avoidance and ignorance. I figured if I ignored a problem long enough, maybe it would magically disappear. I mean....that IS how it works, right??

Someone once pointed out that even when giving bad news, I smile. I could be talking about something that was utterly heart-breaking, but those words would be forced out with a smile. Smiling through my tears was a way for me to make the bad not so bad. It helped make the worst situations a little bit better, or so I thought.

Anyways, on January 28th in 2014, I went to the doctor. I had been "sick". I put that in quotations because it wasn't completely physical, even if it was biological. I would be driving and forget where I was going. I would forget how to get home in a city I had lived in for nine years. I would forget common words, like cabinet, or bathtub. I would cry every time I was alone and pretending to be happy was becoming exhausting.  After three years of lifestyle changes, I had reached a goal weight of 115 and I claimed to make time for the gym even when I had none (taking 21 hours at school, working, sorority stuff, trying to be a present girlfriend). When I started coming up with excuses about not having time...it should have been a red flag. I was content, though. I was content in my excuses.

I went to my doctor and after two hours of purposeful communication, she came to the conclusion that I was having a major depressive episode. Lucky for me, I was diagnosed right after a breakup.

See, the breakup was actually fine with me. I cried from my walk from his apartment to my car, while I carried some picture frames, a case of beer, and maybe a few other belongings. I threw that stuff into my trunk and got in the driver's seat. I shut the door, and in that instant, I shut my sense of being. I scoffed at my tears, wiped them off and drove home. I was FINE. I actually, really was.

I didn't cry again for months. I didn't cry because I couldn't. I reached a point where I had no hope, no care, and absolutely no desire to do anything but forget that I was living. Unlucky for me, I was diagnosed right after the breakup. My limbic system had already had enough; my memory was shot, my energy was shot, my love for life had been shot. I was already depressed and I showed the classic signs and symptoms. I needed one last push, over the cliff, to make me numb and it happened in the form of a breakup.

Then I started getting advice and questions:

"You're not depressed, you're just sad because of a break-up; just get a new boyfriend!"
"The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else."
"You don't need those pills; just go to the gym!"
"Let's hang out; I'm sure I can make you feel better."
"Why aren't you acting like the girl I used to know?"
"Why aren't you smiling? Why aren't you talking?"
"I don't understand how I'm already over my breakup and you're not over yours."
"Stop being such an attention seeker."
"Those pills are just a placebo effect."
and, my personal favorite...
"If you really want to kill yourself, just do it, it's not like anyone would miss you."

As if I wasn't ashamed enough, this constant dismissal/judgement/repudiation engrained the stigma in my mind.

So, here you go. Here is my story. Here is my journey. The journey that led me to greater self-awareness, a greater sense of inner peace, and most importantly, a greater sense of self-love.

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Even the best fall down sometime

I haven't written on here in a while because I really needed to get things figured out for myself. I was listening to this song today. Collide by howie day. The first time I heard this song was when a friend from my childhood has passed away. I just listened to this song on repeat and cried.
My favorite lyric is "even the best fall down sometime". Life is a challenge. It will never stop being a challenge. You just have to know that no matter how many times you fall, if you get up again, you're the best you, you can be. Love yourself. Know your worth. And don't let anyone make you feel like you're not good enough, ever.

http://youtu.be/Yk9G7OyKwLM 

Put yourself first.

I was just sitting here listening to Taylor Swift's songs. I know every word to every song, really, I do. I've been wanting to go to her concert for years so that I could be that annoying girl that sings along to every song. One year, a friend of mine was even selling tickets...Why didn't I buy them? Because they were too expensive of course....a measly 60 dollars each......why do I say measly?
Because...
I used to be the girl that couldn't justify spending 60 dollars on myself to go to a concert which I would have thoroughly enjoyed but that same girl would spend hundreds of dollars to make sure that someone else could go to his favorite artist's concert....

OH THE INJUSTICE.

There are so many times when I have put my desires to the side.  I have denied myself opportunities or experiences. However, if those same opportunities or experiences came for someone I loved, I would spend as much as I needed to or do whatever it took for that to happen.

Don't do this to yourself. It just isn't women that do this...men do as well. Don't.
Why? Why would you?
It is a great feeling to make someone you love smile. I know. But what about you?
I'm not saying to never do anything for anyone else but to do things for yourself. I literally do not spend more than 10-15 dollars on a single article of clothing that I purchase for myself unless I'm feeling all splurge-y.  When it came to shopping for other people, I would throw my budget out the window. This did not just happen one time, with concert tickets, but multiple times.
It was so easy for me to justify spending an outrageous amount because it would make someone happy but when it came to my happiness, I was willing to settle for a five dollar set of earrings, ten dollar pair of shoes, or an eight dollar bottle of wine even if I saw something that I wanted that was maybe 20 dollars, 50 dollars, heck even 100 dollars. WHY? I realize that this post seems rather materialistic but it's not about the items, or the amount of money you spend on them, it is the thinking behind it.  Are other people better than you? Is that why you can justify spending so much on them and not on yourself? No. No one is better than me. I'm not saying that in a cocky way; I'm not better than them either. So, then why is it okay?
Ridiculous. Treat yourself as you would treat other people.
Love yourself first. 

Make yourself first. Make your happiness first. Make your dreams come true.

Just a better me.

First starting on this journey, less than 2 weeks ago, I thought I had to be this completely different person. I let the word "nice" totally dominate my personality. I don't have to recreate myself though. I was nice, yes, but I can still have some qualities that are "nice" as long as I don't let it take over my personality.
I am so many different things but I never really focused on them. I can still be giving; I just need to be giving to the right people. Volunteering allows that to happen. I am smart; I just really need to take the time to really think about things and relate them to my life to increase how much information I retain. I am really fun to be around (but I can imagine I wasn't while I was dealing with all this underneath the cool exterior). I am adventurous but the bucketlist I have rarely gets things checked off on it and it's time to change that! This year is going to be about doing, not thinking. I've thought enough. I haven't done enough.
I love dancing; I've been a dancer for as long as I can remember. Even when my parents were going through tough times, I had a basket of my "dancing clothes". I would put them on and put shows on for my parents. Letting me dance while I ate was the only my parents could get me fed. I am so many things but I was focused on one attribute of mine, I let most other things slide. Well, NO MORE I SAY! Time to be me, just a better me!!

On a different note...there are a few things I feel passionately about. One of them is being a vegetarian (I don't care if you eat meat around me, but I will not and if you tell me how much I'm missing out, I will really want to punch you in the face). I can sit there and give you health reasons or whatever, but the reality of it is that I've been anemic and B12 deficient for a very long time because I do not eat meat. My reason behind not eating meat is the idea of killing an animal to eat it and it all stems from a video I watched in the 3rd grade. I know people can disconnect a picture of animal and the food they eat, but I can't. I feel very strongly about abortions. We won't even get into that mess. I also feel passionately about patient care and I always have. This carries over to my thoughts about customer service as well.

Anyways, this year is about DOING not just THINKING. If I wanna take a road trip, I'm gonna take a damn road trip! I've wanted to dye my hair red for years, I'm doing it tonight! I've wanted to be a BBBS, my interview is on Tuesday and I'm ready to kill it! I've always wanted to try to be a wellness coach, I'm meeting someone on Monday to make it a thing! My "restaurants I want to go to" list will get shorter, and so will my bucket list and my "things to do in dallas" list!

I really can't wait to explore all the things I've wanted to do and my adventurous side a little more!
I'm not recreating myself, or finding myself. I know who I am. I'm just making myself better, a little bit, each and every day.

Inner peace.

Before I started this journey, I was always a big ball of emotions.  No matter what was going on in my life currently, I had emotions that were deep rooted that may have nothing to do with current life. It would have been fine if they were peaceful emotions, but they most definitely were not. Not joy, but anger. Not peace, but anxiety. 

Someone could tell me something and I would dissect it to no end. I really thought that was normal. Girls overthink, I'm a girl so logically, I overthink.  I would take ideas that people threw at me to places that they did not need to go. My logic was never really logical. 

One of the best things that I have been able to do ever since I uncovered my real self is that I can sit in peace and not overthink. I am not anxious. Having numerous things to do does not send me panicking. I do not race to my familiar past when my current situations are not that bright, instead I look to the future, positively. 

I have never been a person that can relax. I would fake relax by watching netflix and zoning out the world around me. I do not have to do that anymore. I can finally control my thoughts. I can finally sit there and not think about a thing. I can finally put more importance on things going on in current events, pop culture, and hell, even politics because I'm no longer stressing about my past. I'm not stressing on how to be this nice person that fits this mold of niceness. I'm not stressing on the decisions I make and whether they hurt/bother anyone. I'm not saying that I am transforming into this vile person who does not take into consideration anyone else at all, but I am finally putting myself first. 

I have the right to put myself first because if I don't, no one else will.

Defining yourself.

I've let myself be defined by the worst that has been done to me for so long. I  couldn't let people see the best of me, because I stopped being the best I could be.  Everything is changing and it's happening so fast. I've been a caterpillar for so long,  I'm so excited about becoming a butterfly, finally. 

Define yourself; don't let other people/things define you.