I was wondering if maybe after this year you'd like to meet.
I have not written on here in a while; things have changed A LOT. I would like to share my ACTUAL journey and progress with you all.
So, I am going to continue this blog; I really needed to take a break and actually start this journey before I acted like my life had changed forever, in a few hours, because of a book.
Not to say that the book didn't make a difference. The book really affected my life, I promise it did. For any woman that feels like she is too nice for her own good, feels taken advantage of by friends, family, coworkers, anyone...I highly recommend it. It helped me allow my life experiences to change me and that was something I sincerely needed. I had become an expert at avoidance and ignorance. I figured if I ignored a problem long enough, maybe it would magically disappear. I mean....that IS how it works, right??
Someone once pointed out that even when giving bad news, I smile. I could be talking about something that was utterly heart-breaking, but those words would be forced out with a smile. Smiling through my tears was a way for me to make the bad not so bad. It helped make the worst situations a little bit better, or so I thought.
Anyways, on January 28th in 2014, I went to the doctor. I had been "sick". I put that in quotations because it wasn't completely physical, even if it was biological. I would be driving and forget where I was going. I would forget how to get home in a city I had lived in for nine years. I would forget common words, like cabinet, or bathtub. I would cry every time I was alone and pretending to be happy was becoming exhausting. After three years of lifestyle changes, I had reached a goal weight of 115 and I claimed to make time for the gym even when I had none (taking 21 hours at school, working, sorority stuff, trying to be a present girlfriend). When I started coming up with excuses about not having time...it should have been a red flag. I was content, though. I was content in my excuses.
I went to my doctor and after two hours of purposeful communication, she came to the conclusion that I was having a major depressive episode. Lucky for me, I was diagnosed right after a breakup.
See, the breakup was actually fine with me. I cried from my walk from his apartment to my car, while I carried some picture frames, a case of beer, and maybe a few other belongings. I threw that stuff into my trunk and got in the driver's seat. I shut the door, and in that instant, I shut my sense of being. I scoffed at my tears, wiped them off and drove home. I was FINE. I actually, really was.
I didn't cry again for months. I didn't cry because I couldn't. I reached a point where I had no hope, no care, and absolutely no desire to do anything but forget that I was living. Unlucky for me, I was diagnosed right after the breakup. My limbic system had already had enough; my memory was shot, my energy was shot, my love for life had been shot. I was already depressed and I showed the classic signs and symptoms. I needed one last push, over the cliff, to make me numb and it happened in the form of a breakup.
Then I started getting advice and questions:
"You're not depressed, you're just sad because of a break-up; just get a new boyfriend!"
"The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else."
"You don't need those pills; just go to the gym!"
"Let's hang out; I'm sure I can make you feel better."
"Why aren't you acting like the girl I used to know?"
"Why aren't you smiling? Why aren't you talking?"
"I don't understand how I'm already over my breakup and you're not over yours."
"Stop being such an attention seeker."
"Those pills are just a placebo effect."
and, my personal favorite...
"If you really want to kill yourself, just do it, it's not like anyone would miss you."
As if I wasn't ashamed enough, this constant dismissal/judgement/repudiation engrained the stigma in my mind.
So, here you go. Here is my story. Here is my journey. The journey that led me to greater self-awareness, a greater sense of inner peace, and most importantly, a greater sense of self-love.
<a href="http://www.bloglovin.com/blog/14592293/?claim=8cxhsampu8n">Follow my blog with Bloglovin</a>
I have not written on here in a while; things have changed A LOT. I would like to share my ACTUAL journey and progress with you all.
So, I am going to continue this blog; I really needed to take a break and actually start this journey before I acted like my life had changed forever, in a few hours, because of a book.
Not to say that the book didn't make a difference. The book really affected my life, I promise it did. For any woman that feels like she is too nice for her own good, feels taken advantage of by friends, family, coworkers, anyone...I highly recommend it. It helped me allow my life experiences to change me and that was something I sincerely needed. I had become an expert at avoidance and ignorance. I figured if I ignored a problem long enough, maybe it would magically disappear. I mean....that IS how it works, right??
Someone once pointed out that even when giving bad news, I smile. I could be talking about something that was utterly heart-breaking, but those words would be forced out with a smile. Smiling through my tears was a way for me to make the bad not so bad. It helped make the worst situations a little bit better, or so I thought.
Anyways, on January 28th in 2014, I went to the doctor. I had been "sick". I put that in quotations because it wasn't completely physical, even if it was biological. I would be driving and forget where I was going. I would forget how to get home in a city I had lived in for nine years. I would forget common words, like cabinet, or bathtub. I would cry every time I was alone and pretending to be happy was becoming exhausting. After three years of lifestyle changes, I had reached a goal weight of 115 and I claimed to make time for the gym even when I had none (taking 21 hours at school, working, sorority stuff, trying to be a present girlfriend). When I started coming up with excuses about not having time...it should have been a red flag. I was content, though. I was content in my excuses.
I went to my doctor and after two hours of purposeful communication, she came to the conclusion that I was having a major depressive episode. Lucky for me, I was diagnosed right after a breakup.
See, the breakup was actually fine with me. I cried from my walk from his apartment to my car, while I carried some picture frames, a case of beer, and maybe a few other belongings. I threw that stuff into my trunk and got in the driver's seat. I shut the door, and in that instant, I shut my sense of being. I scoffed at my tears, wiped them off and drove home. I was FINE. I actually, really was.
I didn't cry again for months. I didn't cry because I couldn't. I reached a point where I had no hope, no care, and absolutely no desire to do anything but forget that I was living. Unlucky for me, I was diagnosed right after the breakup. My limbic system had already had enough; my memory was shot, my energy was shot, my love for life had been shot. I was already depressed and I showed the classic signs and symptoms. I needed one last push, over the cliff, to make me numb and it happened in the form of a breakup.
Then I started getting advice and questions:
"You're not depressed, you're just sad because of a break-up; just get a new boyfriend!"
"The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else."
"You don't need those pills; just go to the gym!"
"Let's hang out; I'm sure I can make you feel better."
"Why aren't you acting like the girl I used to know?"
"Why aren't you smiling? Why aren't you talking?"
"I don't understand how I'm already over my breakup and you're not over yours."
"Stop being such an attention seeker."
"Those pills are just a placebo effect."
and, my personal favorite...
"If you really want to kill yourself, just do it, it's not like anyone would miss you."
As if I wasn't ashamed enough, this constant dismissal/judgement/repudiation engrained the stigma in my mind.
So, here you go. Here is my story. Here is my journey. The journey that led me to greater self-awareness, a greater sense of inner peace, and most importantly, a greater sense of self-love.
<a href="http://www.bloglovin.com/blog/14592293/?claim=8cxhsampu8n">Follow my blog with Bloglovin</a>
Anjavi, I'm so proud of you to have the courage to put all of this out in the open! You already know about how much I feel like I can relate to some of the things that have happened to you, but seriously, the fact that you are putting this out there for people to read is so awesome. And maybe it will help some of those folks out there who don't understand how depression truly feels/works will gain some more knowledge about how that dark world of depression REALLY is.
ReplyDelete<3 Leigh
Thanks Leigh! I really hope so!
DeleteI think our conversations made me realize how common our thoughts and feelings are and how ridiculous the current stigma and approach of mental health and mental illness is.
I think it's inspiring to see someone do this, I've been there and know how hard it is to keep things inside, really cool what you did.
ReplyDeleteBruno B.
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