Just a better me.

First starting on this journey, less than 2 weeks ago, I thought I had to be this completely different person. I let the word "nice" totally dominate my personality. I don't have to recreate myself though. I was nice, yes, but I can still have some qualities that are "nice" as long as I don't let it take over my personality.
I am so many different things but I never really focused on them. I can still be giving; I just need to be giving to the right people. Volunteering allows that to happen. I am smart; I just really need to take the time to really think about things and relate them to my life to increase how much information I retain. I am really fun to be around (but I can imagine I wasn't while I was dealing with all this underneath the cool exterior). I am adventurous but the bucketlist I have rarely gets things checked off on it and it's time to change that! This year is going to be about doing, not thinking. I've thought enough. I haven't done enough.
I love dancing; I've been a dancer for as long as I can remember. Even when my parents were going through tough times, I had a basket of my "dancing clothes". I would put them on and put shows on for my parents. Letting me dance while I ate was the only my parents could get me fed. I am so many things but I was focused on one attribute of mine, I let most other things slide. Well, NO MORE I SAY! Time to be me, just a better me!!

On a different note...there are a few things I feel passionately about. One of them is being a vegetarian (I don't care if you eat meat around me, but I will not and if you tell me how much I'm missing out, I will really want to punch you in the face). I can sit there and give you health reasons or whatever, but the reality of it is that I've been anemic and B12 deficient for a very long time because I do not eat meat. My reason behind not eating meat is the idea of killing an animal to eat it and it all stems from a video I watched in the 3rd grade. I know people can disconnect a picture of animal and the food they eat, but I can't. I feel very strongly about abortions. We won't even get into that mess. I also feel passionately about patient care and I always have. This carries over to my thoughts about customer service as well.

Anyways, this year is about DOING not just THINKING. If I wanna take a road trip, I'm gonna take a damn road trip! I've wanted to dye my hair red for years, I'm doing it tonight! I've wanted to be a BBBS, my interview is on Tuesday and I'm ready to kill it! I've always wanted to try to be a wellness coach, I'm meeting someone on Monday to make it a thing! My "restaurants I want to go to" list will get shorter, and so will my bucket list and my "things to do in dallas" list!

I really can't wait to explore all the things I've wanted to do and my adventurous side a little more!
I'm not recreating myself, or finding myself. I know who I am. I'm just making myself better, a little bit, each and every day.

Inner peace.

Before I started this journey, I was always a big ball of emotions.  No matter what was going on in my life currently, I had emotions that were deep rooted that may have nothing to do with current life. It would have been fine if they were peaceful emotions, but they most definitely were not. Not joy, but anger. Not peace, but anxiety. 

Someone could tell me something and I would dissect it to no end. I really thought that was normal. Girls overthink, I'm a girl so logically, I overthink.  I would take ideas that people threw at me to places that they did not need to go. My logic was never really logical. 

One of the best things that I have been able to do ever since I uncovered my real self is that I can sit in peace and not overthink. I am not anxious. Having numerous things to do does not send me panicking. I do not race to my familiar past when my current situations are not that bright, instead I look to the future, positively. 

I have never been a person that can relax. I would fake relax by watching netflix and zoning out the world around me. I do not have to do that anymore. I can finally control my thoughts. I can finally sit there and not think about a thing. I can finally put more importance on things going on in current events, pop culture, and hell, even politics because I'm no longer stressing about my past. I'm not stressing on how to be this nice person that fits this mold of niceness. I'm not stressing on the decisions I make and whether they hurt/bother anyone. I'm not saying that I am transforming into this vile person who does not take into consideration anyone else at all, but I am finally putting myself first. 

I have the right to put myself first because if I don't, no one else will.

Defining yourself.

I've let myself be defined by the worst that has been done to me for so long. I  couldn't let people see the best of me, because I stopped being the best I could be.  Everything is changing and it's happening so fast. I've been a caterpillar for so long,  I'm so excited about becoming a butterfly, finally. 

Define yourself; don't let other people/things define you.

Apologies.

Now, my last post focused a little bit about not being a pushover and making myself a stronger woman. However, one thing that really bothers me is that I would get upset about the smallest things over the past three years. The big things that should have bothered me, I would let slide.  The small things that should have been no big deal, I would cling to as if my life depended on it.

It was frustrating; forgiving people that did not deserve it, and holding onto such petty little grudges. I guess my weak little mind had to feel like I stood up for myself somehow and I ended up becoming this petty, immature person. This petty, immature person would then feel terribly afterwards for being that person. What a HOT MESS. 

Now that I have exorcised my demons, I feel like I can finally grow the hell up. I apologized to the people that I felt like I affected the most with my actions. It was not the easiest thing in the world to do.  I was so worried about the way that my apologies would be received, but I knew it was something I had to do. 

And, guess what?

They were all so damn nice to me. Every single person accepted my apology and replied with something that I never would have expected. All this time I spent misplacing my anger and holding onto grudges that I did not need to against people that never did anything. I literally read one of the replies and felt like crying for being the person that I had been for so long. 

When I started this journey, I thought that meant I would never have to apologize for anything again. If you know me, you know that I apologize for even the smallest things. I made a decision and I was finally done with it. However, the more that I delved into my actions, my thoughts and my being, I realized that I owed a lot more apologies than I originally thought. This journey could only continue by accepting my flaws and my mistakes and apologizing for them. 

I am not perfect. I have made mistakes. I will continue to make mistakes. After all, I am only human. I will not blame other people for my mistakes but I will also no longer take the blame for mistakes that I did not commit. 

I am not perfect but I don't have to be, to be wonderful, and to be loved. 

New year, new me.

At least that is what I had said. I spent all December racking my brain, trying to figure out what things I needed to work on to become a better person.  I started making a list... 1) living in the moment 2) not stressing out about every little thing 3) losing those last few pounds 4) reading at least one book a month.... the list goes on. However, what I did not know was that all I really needed to do to be a better me was to face my demons. 

This journey begins with the purchase of the book that changed my life. The Nice Girl Syndrome.You may have heard of it? This book opened my eyes to the reality of my life that I had been denying myself. I had heard it so many times, "you're so nice" "you're too nice" "you're so sweet"...what people were really saying was "you're a pushover" "i'm gonna take advantage of you one day" "thanks for letting me walk all over you".  I had NO idea. I just always thought it was a good thing. Being too considerate? Being too forgiving? Being too nice? How could that ever be bad? If those were my flaws, I would gladly take them over anything else. Now, I no longer feel the same way. 

If you really want to know about my experiences as a pushover, just ask.  I will not use my words to complain about the things that I have allowed people to do to me without provocation. This blog is not about complaining, this blog is about taking control of your life, of your thoughts, of your experiences.  

Many people have life changing experiences and their lives actually do change forever after those moments. However, my life never changed. I denied myself the growth and the freedom that comes with accepting the harsh reality that is life. I made excuses repeatedly for people, I forgave, I tried to see their side of the situation. After all that they did, I was still doing things for them. All of a sudden, years later, I am being bombarded with all these instances where I was trying to be "nice" and I was the only person hurt by it. 

All these events, all of this pent up frustration with life and this constant struggle to be kind or to stick up for myself has led to a very volcanic personality. Pushing people away has always come easily to me, but this time I could not understand why until now. I was not at peace with myself. I could be happy, but I do not know if I was ever truly happy, because deep down, deep in the crevices of the caves of my mind, there was anger, pain, frustration, and so much sadness. 

I did so much for people, rarely getting what I gave but still wanting to give, hoping one day things would change. Thinking maybe if I was being a good person, good would have to come around. But, being good is not the same as being nice and I have finally come to that realization.

I always thought that I was such a strong woman, but I really was not. I was resilient, optimistic (even foolishly maybe), but not strong. It's time to stop focusing on trying to be nice, and to start focusing on becoming a well-rounded, strong woman. It's no longer time to get back up after you fall, but to not fall in the first place. 

I feel so free. I feel like I could fly, don't worry, I won't actually try to, but holy mother of god, does it feel good! My soul feels so clean. I literally have not been able to stop smiling. Being able to stick up for yourself for the first time in 22 years is an amazing feeling, and I'm never letting this go. 

I have a few mantras I tell myself everyday.  "I have the right to take care of myself before I take care of anyone else." "I have the right to be fair to myself because life won't be." and "I do not have to be perfect to be wonderful or loved." It may sound silly, but thoughts become words, words become actions, actions become habits, habits become character, and that is who you are. 

It will not be easy, but this journey will be worth every damn thing I've been through. Every single one.