New year, new me.

At least that is what I had said. I spent all December racking my brain, trying to figure out what things I needed to work on to become a better person.  I started making a list... 1) living in the moment 2) not stressing out about every little thing 3) losing those last few pounds 4) reading at least one book a month.... the list goes on. However, what I did not know was that all I really needed to do to be a better me was to face my demons. 

This journey begins with the purchase of the book that changed my life. The Nice Girl Syndrome.You may have heard of it? This book opened my eyes to the reality of my life that I had been denying myself. I had heard it so many times, "you're so nice" "you're too nice" "you're so sweet"...what people were really saying was "you're a pushover" "i'm gonna take advantage of you one day" "thanks for letting me walk all over you".  I had NO idea. I just always thought it was a good thing. Being too considerate? Being too forgiving? Being too nice? How could that ever be bad? If those were my flaws, I would gladly take them over anything else. Now, I no longer feel the same way. 

If you really want to know about my experiences as a pushover, just ask.  I will not use my words to complain about the things that I have allowed people to do to me without provocation. This blog is not about complaining, this blog is about taking control of your life, of your thoughts, of your experiences.  

Many people have life changing experiences and their lives actually do change forever after those moments. However, my life never changed. I denied myself the growth and the freedom that comes with accepting the harsh reality that is life. I made excuses repeatedly for people, I forgave, I tried to see their side of the situation. After all that they did, I was still doing things for them. All of a sudden, years later, I am being bombarded with all these instances where I was trying to be "nice" and I was the only person hurt by it. 

All these events, all of this pent up frustration with life and this constant struggle to be kind or to stick up for myself has led to a very volcanic personality. Pushing people away has always come easily to me, but this time I could not understand why until now. I was not at peace with myself. I could be happy, but I do not know if I was ever truly happy, because deep down, deep in the crevices of the caves of my mind, there was anger, pain, frustration, and so much sadness. 

I did so much for people, rarely getting what I gave but still wanting to give, hoping one day things would change. Thinking maybe if I was being a good person, good would have to come around. But, being good is not the same as being nice and I have finally come to that realization.

I always thought that I was such a strong woman, but I really was not. I was resilient, optimistic (even foolishly maybe), but not strong. It's time to stop focusing on trying to be nice, and to start focusing on becoming a well-rounded, strong woman. It's no longer time to get back up after you fall, but to not fall in the first place. 

I feel so free. I feel like I could fly, don't worry, I won't actually try to, but holy mother of god, does it feel good! My soul feels so clean. I literally have not been able to stop smiling. Being able to stick up for yourself for the first time in 22 years is an amazing feeling, and I'm never letting this go. 

I have a few mantras I tell myself everyday.  "I have the right to take care of myself before I take care of anyone else." "I have the right to be fair to myself because life won't be." and "I do not have to be perfect to be wonderful or loved." It may sound silly, but thoughts become words, words become actions, actions become habits, habits become character, and that is who you are. 

It will not be easy, but this journey will be worth every damn thing I've been through. Every single one.