Apologies.

Now, my last post focused a little bit about not being a pushover and making myself a stronger woman. However, one thing that really bothers me is that I would get upset about the smallest things over the past three years. The big things that should have bothered me, I would let slide.  The small things that should have been no big deal, I would cling to as if my life depended on it.

It was frustrating; forgiving people that did not deserve it, and holding onto such petty little grudges. I guess my weak little mind had to feel like I stood up for myself somehow and I ended up becoming this petty, immature person. This petty, immature person would then feel terribly afterwards for being that person. What a HOT MESS. 

Now that I have exorcised my demons, I feel like I can finally grow the hell up. I apologized to the people that I felt like I affected the most with my actions. It was not the easiest thing in the world to do.  I was so worried about the way that my apologies would be received, but I knew it was something I had to do. 

And, guess what?

They were all so damn nice to me. Every single person accepted my apology and replied with something that I never would have expected. All this time I spent misplacing my anger and holding onto grudges that I did not need to against people that never did anything. I literally read one of the replies and felt like crying for being the person that I had been for so long. 

When I started this journey, I thought that meant I would never have to apologize for anything again. If you know me, you know that I apologize for even the smallest things. I made a decision and I was finally done with it. However, the more that I delved into my actions, my thoughts and my being, I realized that I owed a lot more apologies than I originally thought. This journey could only continue by accepting my flaws and my mistakes and apologizing for them. 

I am not perfect. I have made mistakes. I will continue to make mistakes. After all, I am only human. I will not blame other people for my mistakes but I will also no longer take the blame for mistakes that I did not commit. 

I am not perfect but I don't have to be, to be wonderful, and to be loved.